The history books would go on to say that the Stonewall Riots of ’69 were started by a couple of pissed off drag queens.
“Oh well,” Patsy and Eddy thought to themselves, “let the little buggers think whatever the bloody hell they want.”
The Patsy Stonewall Riots
June 28, 2010 - Leave a Response
DADT What’s Happening!!
June 23, 2010 - Leave a Response
Each morning, young Frederick “Rerun” Stubbs looked in the mirror and proudly donned the red beret. The U.S. military had given his life a sense of purpose, turning him from a clumsy, overweight teenager into a clumsy, overweight killing machine. But, if Obama really were to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” where would that leave him? And more importantly — where would that leave his suspenders?
Joanie Loves Chocha
June 21, 2010 - Leave a Response
By any account, it should have been a match made in Heaven. The wide-set eyes. The feathered hair. Their mutual love of all things denim. Still, when they were alone at night, she couldn’t help but close her eyes and imagine it was Shirley, holding her in that warm embrace.
Frankly, some nights she would have even settled for Laverne.
Head Up The Ass
June 16, 2010 - Leave a Response
These kids were smart. Almost too smart.
They understood spherical trigonometry like it was second nature. They could discuss the subtle, political ramifications of obscure sea battles in the ancient world for hours on end. Heck, they even got to the bottom of little Janice’s poltergeist.
And yet, gut instinct told Mr. Moore they could all use an object lesson on balls. These are the kinds of classroom moments that separate the good teachers from the great ones.
Sitcom Summer of Death, 2010 Edition
June 14, 2010 - Leave a Response
We at Classic Gay Sitcoms know better than anyone that summer is supposed to be a time for frolicking and merriment. A time to sail away on an endless sea of reruns. A time to let the cool, cool ocean breeze blow through your petticoat junction. Unfortunately, no one is in a position to let his or her guard down this summer. Why, it’s only mid-June, and already the sitcom death toll is mounting faster than Blanche Devereaux on a pile of Venezuelan futbol players. So far, we’ve lost Dixie Carter, Gary Coleman, and Rue McClanahan — not to mention countless marshland birds. There’s no telling who could be next…
Just a few of the helpless victims of the BP Oil of Olay Spill of 2010.
Naturally, the entire sitcom community — from Small Wonder to Big Daddy — is in a state of panic. And rightly so: it seems that this summer, no one is safe from permanent cancellation. When was the last time you had your prostate checked, Ted Danson? Still riding that white dragon called cocaine, Danny Bonaduce? And how about you, Suzanne Pleshette? Are you taking your heart medication regularly?
Suzanne Pleshette?
SUZANNE PLESHETTE?!?!
Suzanne Pleshette was unavailable for comment at press time.
Oh god, they’ve already gotten to old lady Newhart! We’re all gonna be dead and buried before pilot season even starts!
Wait a minute. We have to get a hold of ourselves. We mustn’t panic. That’s exactly what the cold-blooded killer in our midst would have us do. We’ve all got to stick together, if we’re going to figure out exactly who could be causing this sudden rash of deaths.
Let’s think. Whose star seems to be suddenly, unexpectedly on the rise? Who’s been getting more work over the last few months than she has in the last decade? And who is known for carrying more showbiz grudges than Vincent Minnelli and Gore Vidal combined?
Cheesecake, anyone?
Then again, perhaps some mysteries are better left unsolved. My word, you’re looking lovely today, Miss White. No further questions, Your Honor.
Sincerely,
Executive VP of Re-Programming
“Classic Gay Sitcoms: It’s kill or BE killed, motherfuckers.”
Simon & Simon Says…
May 10, 2010 - Leave a Response
Although technically not a sitcom, Simon & Simon clearly went an extra mile or two in pursuit of the coveted title, “Gayest Show on Earth,” and so deserves an honorable mention here on Classic Gay Sitcoms.
Each episode centered on the fabulous lives of Simon (a rough-and-tumble bear daddy detective) and Simon (his blond, live-in cabana boy), and required them to solve a mystery, while managing to swim with whale-sharks, win a gay men’s fitness challenge, play stick-em-up in the wild west, and still make it to Mr. Gatti’s in time to give dear old mother her birthday kiss! And I’m talking every week!
While it’s never made clear exactly which state in the union allowed these two boys to marry and therefore share a last name jointly, what is clear is that these two strapping men were passionate about their work, their country, and each other.
Also, when was the last time you saw a flamethrower being used both literally and figuratively at the same time on network television? Sorry, Paul Lynde doesn’t count.
Perfect Sex With Strangers
May 6, 2010 - Leave a Response
He knew that what he was about to do was technically “wrong.” Still, this was his first-ever shot at getting laid, and Larry prayed for the pills to take effect.
The Markie Post Guide To Lesbian Style
May 4, 2010 - Leave a Response
How many times have you found yourself wondering: “What in the world am I going to wear to Pat and Kathy’s same-sex, pan-gender, multi-religion, trans-national commitment ceremony?” Or worse: “What’s the right outfit to wear to Pat and Kathy’s divorce proceedings, when they decide what to do with all those cats? I mean, I want to seem supportive — but bi-partisan, too!”
We at Classic Gay Sitcoms know it can take literally months to come up with the perfect outfit to wear to that all-important lesbian occasion. Lucky for you, Markie Post — star of Night Court, any number of Lifetime movies, and surprisingly little else — has spent her career making looking like a lesbian look easy, so you don’t have to!
Next time you’re smack dab in the middle of a fashion quandary, just ask yourself: What would Markie wear…
***
…to a shootout at the O.K. Corral?
Mullet? Check. Lavender bandanna and matching background? Double check. Blue jean smock with XXL mother-of-pearl inlay snap closures? You got it, girl. The sterling silver, forbidden fruit earrings were her own clever touch, of course. Yes, Markie had eaten from the tree of entertainment industry knowledge, and suddenly felt quite naked.
***
…to the SAG Awards?
The low-breasted velveteen gown was a gift from her good friend Leona Helmsley. The hair was on loan from Reba’s people. God only knows who gave her the pearl necklace.
***
…to court, which sometimes takes place at night?
Here, Markie demonstrates the versatility of her lesbian haircut, which can only be described as “the Davy Crockett.” Not even the oversized earrings and necklace could cover up the one or two shreds of self-respect she had hiding up her sleeve during this shoot — despite the fact that, apparently, both Justice and the wardrobe supervisor were blind.
***
…to change a flat attire?
No one could throw on a deflated weather balloon and call it mid-80′s fashion quite like Markie. If only she’d been around during the Roswell Incident.
***
…to a ladies-only Bikram yoga class in Culver City?
Why, denim on denim on knee highs on loafers, of course! No matter how big an asana you made of yourself during last week’s class, this restrictive outfit is sure to allow for the limited range of motion your body needs in order to sweat out all that shame!
***
…to the Thunderdome and/or beyond?
Every lesbian has her DIY, punk rock workout goddess phase. Markie’s just happened, along with her breasts, to be longer than most.
***
…to the Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport?
Like most active lesbians-on-the-go, Markie’s sex toys frequently caused quite a stir when going through the security line. “It’s mind over matter,” she was overheard saying on more than one occasion. “The human body can take as much as it thinks it can.”
***
…to a private party at the home of Stevie Nicks?
One of Markie’s many phases included a brief foray into a look that can only be described as witchy poo. It felt forced, but then so did everything else she ever did. “Besides, we practically have the same name,” Markie insisted, as she was escorted from the premises. “We’re crystal sister spirit night-wanderers.”
***
…to Cleveland?
Markie was known throughout the industry for having an exceptionally deep V. On the minus side, the dress had to be steamed nightly.
***
…to one of President Obama’s Socialist Death Panels™?
She couldn’t think of a single viable answer. During the next round, however, “Kinds of Kicks,” she came up with at least twenty-two. Unfortunately, all of them started with the word “scissor” and none of them was listed on the pyramid.
***
As you can see, Markie Post has been nudging lesbian style into the mainstream for decades. Her years of fearless risk-taking have earned her a place among the pantheon of fashion icons, alongside such luminaries as Coco Chanel and Leslie Garanimals. No matter the garment, rest assured that Markie Post wore it, accessorized it, made it her own, and got laid in it first — and that she looked butch as hell the whole time.
Sincerely,
The Snacks Of Life
April 30, 2010 - Leave a Response
By the early 2000′s, Natalie had come to terms with the idea that taco salad was, if not one of the facts, then at least one of the inevitabilities of life.
Ooohh, Maaaaaaarrryyyyy!!
April 27, 2010 - Leave a Response
Jackée Harry wasn’t just a stage name. Behind the closed doors of certain, female-only Hollywood bars, it was a complete sentence.
